Don’t Cry For Me Next Door Neighbor: A Youtube Autoplay Liveblog

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So you’re with a friend. They’re having a bad day and need cheering up. You pull up your trusty bookmarks and open “Cat In A Shark Costume Chases A Duck While Riding A Roomba” for them. The video is a success! You and your friend start swapping crazy animal and/or Roomba stories, and you get so into the conversation that you forget that Youtube is still open. All of a sudden, something else starts blaring through your speakers. Your entire world crumbles around you. As your friend runs for cover, they shout an unintelligible stream of obscenities at you and are never heard from again.

What? You’ve never had this type of experience before? That must be why nobody’s written about this algorithm before. While it is at most a minor inconvenience among Google’s many attempts to wring video views (and accompanying ad revenue) from the general public, it can very quickly affect what gets views driven to it (even views that only initiate the stream and play a tiny segment of the video count toward the total). And those views affect even bigger things, like the Billboard Hot 100. While unlikely, a particularly strong bent toward or away from certain songs may actually make the difference between a single reaching #1 or not (or perhaps charting at all or not).

So how to actually gain more information about a mechanism like this? The Youtube blurb on the autoplay is incredibly unhelpful:

The autoplay feature on YouTube makes it easier to decide what to watch next. After you watch a YouTube video on your computer, we’ll automatically play another related video based on your viewing history.

So obviously, there’s only one other way to find out. I pulled up a completely random song on Youtube and decided to let things flow from there. Originally, my goal was just to continue watching these videos, without any skips, until I reached something weirdly different, but 522 videos later, I can honestly say that I have learned more about myself, about Drake, about Teen Beach 2: The Movie, and about life than I could have ever imagined.

My distilled conclusions about how the autoplay functions can be found here.

A preliminary note: I use Youtube some for music, but typically just for individual songs, and only rarely for things that are either currently considered either “good” or “popular”. I would consider my musical tastes pretty broad, but I tend to appreciate satire/absurdity more than the typical person. I took this before I started this experiment:

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I swear I was only listening to Hold On to make a parody about environmental law. I guess that doesn’t make it any better.

As a result, my hope was that all of the mashups and novelty videos I’ve watched on Youtube would influence what I was going to get, if not in the first few videos, then certainly by the time I hit video 20 or so. You can see for yourself how that played out.

All videos linked are the actual videos I viewed as opposed to the most popular mirror on Youtube. Year in parentheses is either release date (for songs) or upload date (for clips). Videos were viewed between December 16 and 23, and video viewcounts are as of December 24. 

  • 1. Tubthumping—Chumbawamba (1997). 15,719,976 views. I started here because I thought it would be a waste to carefully choose a real place to start. I think I was right. Anyway, here we go. I’ll probably at least go to 50 videos. I figure that’s enough time to get to somewhere that’s a little bit different than ’90s one-hit wonders.
  • 2. All Star—Smash Mouth (1999). 46,745,782 views. Why is William H. Macy in this video? FARGO HAD ALREADY HAPPENED. YOU ARE A REAL ACTOR, WILLIAM H. MACY. As for the song itself, I don’t have much to say other than this. (And maybe this.)
  • 3. I’m A Believer—Smash Mouth (2001). 14,439,131 views. The twist ending in this video (spoiler…alert?) is that after a number of cases of mistaken identity in trying to find a lady who dropped her keys and singing for 3:02 about love at first sight, lead singer Guy Fieri gives her back the keys, and then she recognizes him, and SHE asks HIM for his number. He says no, and then she starts to run after him. Delightfully subversive and not at all feeding into a separate but equally problematic trope, right? Right? Why are you looking at me like that???
  • 4. Walkin’ On The Sun—Smash Mouth (1997). 17,102,414 views. Do you think that if Shrek hadn’t tanked its legacy by releasing a bunch of terrible sequels that Smash Mouth would be regarded more highly today? Yeah, me neither.
  • 5. Two Princes—Spin Doctors (1993). 20,244,291 views. Also known as “the last time earflap hats were seen in a music video.” It’s probably fitting that the only association I have with this song is this.
  • 6. Breakfast at Tiffany’s—Deep Blue Something (1995). 13,675,002 views. Requirements for becoming the whitest music video of the ’90s:
    • set in New York
    • sunglasses that look like swimming goggles
    • reference other generally white things from not the ’90s in a manner that makes clear you don’t actually understand them
    • This:
      deepblue
  • 7. She’s So High—Tal Bachman (1999). 9,942,466 views. On second thought, videos set in cities that look like New York are acceptable as well.
  • 8. Save Tonight—Eagle-Eye Cherry (1997). 6,761,026 views. Say what you will about the ’90s, but it was really the last time that legitimate baritones could be found in mainstream music. I’m pretty sure the only reason that I’m not a highly successful songwriter is because Adam Levine’s songs are literally an octave outside of my range and I didn’t move to New York early enough to shoot a generic ’90s white people music video.
  • 9. Steal My Sunshine—Len (1999). 10,850,504 views. This is the first song here that I don’t recognize, and it won’t be the last. I am told that this song was on the album “You Can’t Stop The Bum Rush”. This sounds about right to me. We let the most ridiculous songs become one-hit wonders.
  • 10. How Bizarre—OMC (1995). 5,032,429 views. I take everything back. One-hit wonders are awesome. Green-screen is also awesome.
  • 11. Mambo No. 5—Lou Bega (1999). 30,120,693 views. wait no never mind one hit wonders are the worst
  • 12. U Can’t Touch This—MC Hammer (1990). 194,403,795 views. The first ten seconds of this video are two different award show announcements that are…jump cut to make them sound like there are more than two of them? Or was video editing just THAT new and groundbreaking in 1991?
  • 13. Ice Ice Baby—Vanilla Ice (1990). 91,868,863 views. Say what you will about Vanilla Ice being a troubled person or appropriative or what have you (although the story about his record label manufacturing a biography for him is delightfully Motown-esque), there are actual dance moves in this video. How many male artists post-2010 are still doing this?
  • 14. Jump—Kris Kross (1992). 33,491,630 views. “Hey guys, I found this awesome act that’s just going to blow up.” “Okay, what’s the angle?” “Well, both of the members are twelve, they’re named ‘Mac Daddy’ and ‘Daddy Mac’, and they wear all their clothes backwards.” “We need to sign them immediately! Also, can we have them sing a wide-release song called I Missed The Bus?”
  • 15. Informer—Snow (1993). 16,989,950 views. guys what the hell is this and why is it still stuck in my head a month later wait is he saying actual words
  • 16. Here Comes The Hotstepper—Ini Kamoze (1994). 8,811,882 views. I grew up culturally white enough that I literally have not until now known that this is where that hook comes from. And I didn’t know until I looked this song up on Wikipedia that it is actually a sample from something else I’ve never heard of. Cultural isolation is weird.
  • 17. Come Baby Come—K7 (1993). 7,019,907 views. I’m only 17 videos in. Have I already slipped into a corner of Youtube that I would never escape from? Considering where I started, this might be a good sign for combating cultural isolation.
  • 18. Whoomp! There It Is—Tag Team (1993). 11,614,759 views. “These three words mean you’re gettin’ busy/Whoomp, there it is.” I mean, technically, “whoomp” isn’t a word, I guess.
  • 19. Rumpshaker—Wreckx-n-Effect (1992). 7,994,709 views. man, that saxophone player is definitely the real saxophone player they used in recording this song, and it’s really sad they left her at the beach all alone
  • 20. O.P.P.—Naughty By Nature (1991). 6,842,415 views. Wait, no, being serious here, I thought this song was called “Naughty by Nature” and the band name was O.P.P. because the chorus is “You’re down with O.P.P./Yeah, you know me” uhhh let’s move on
  • 21. Hip Hop Hooray—Naughty By Nature (1993). 11,145,755 views.
  • 22. Summertime—DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince (1991). 10,141,894 views. does will smith look any different now than he did literally in the year I was born, other than short shorts
  • 23. Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It—Will Smith (1998). 14,486,792 views. I only have room in my phone for one spelling-creative ’90s single from a person now known primarily as a movie star. This suit almost tipped the scales, though.
    jiggy
  • 24. Miami—Will Smith (1998). 18,158,590 views.
  • 25. Switch—Will Smith (2005). 23,098,276 views. Can we talk about how Will Smith’s growly upper range in the hook wouldn’t even come close to any record produced in 2015? Instead, we’d have Will Smith ft. Ne-Yo, and Ne-Yo would probably be smash cut into a couple of the “club” scenes of the video without ever having to be in the same room as Will Smith. Or as it’s otherwise known, After Earth.
  • 26. Just The Two Of Us—Will Smith (1998). 7,975,425 views.
  • 27. Black Suits Comin’ (Nod Ya Head)—Will Smith ft. Trâ-Knox (2002). 3,838,931 views. For some reason, my initial association with this song was the song Clint Eastwood recorded for his movie about how the racist white person saves everybody. Which makes me think: Wouldn’t the world be a better place if every star vehicle had to come with a promotional single sung by the person starring in the movie? This is maybe the only thing that could make me excited for Die Hard 6, which I was going to make a joke about being in production already but then I looked it up and it’s in production already.
  • 28. Without Me—Eminem (2002). 260,074,341 views. Well, I guess I’m out of early-’90s reggae/hip-hop territory?
  • 29. The Real Slim Shady—Eminem (2000). 127,810,169 views.
  • 30. My Name Is—Eminem (1999). 69,902,544 views.
  • 31. Stan—Eminem (2000). 77,691,137 views. The way the use of the word “Stan” has spread as a result of this song is still disorienting to me (“orient” pun fully intended). Growing up as a very sheltered Asian child, I knew the term from K-pop first. I just assumed that all of the “r u exostan or super juniorstan?????” comments on Youtube were referencing a translated term I was unaware of. Considering that a relative of mine who uses the term “stan” liberally was actually afraid of the one Eminem song I played for her, I’m curious as to how many K-pop fans are aware of the origin of this term and what they’d think if they knew. Anyway, here’s Elton John.
  • 32. Cleanin’ Out My Closet—Eminem (2002). 106,668,174 views.
  • 33. The Way I Am—Eminem (2000). 67,558,477 views.
  • 34. Like Toy Soldiers—Eminem (2005). 203,551,128 views. well this is an inopportune time to remember that this exists
  • 35. Beautiful—Eminem (2009). 252,368,687 views. well this is an unusual time to get a Starbucks ad
  • 36. When I’m Gone—Eminem (2005). 355,839,996 views.
  • 37. Mockingbird—Eminem (2005). 164,961,384 views. Given the race-based criticism surrounding Eminem, I’m kind of wondering what would have happened if his recording career skipped his first four albums and started with Encore (in 2004). Eminem’s language is still the same, but his subject matter is incredibly different and generally less angry than his most well-known singles (although Stan is a testament to his storytelling talent). Would he have been more quickly accepted into the mainstream musical community? Would some of the class issues that are apparent in his early music, which are less prominent in his later albums, prevent him from being seen as a part of the hip-hop community writ large? The authenticity/social acceptability divide seems to be less of a 1:1 relationship in cases like this and more of a case-by-case study.
  • 38. Sing For The Moment—Eminem (2003). 122,614,446 views.
  • 39. You Don’t Know—Eminem ft. 50 Cent, Cashis, Lloyd Banks (2006). 121,374,301 views. Youtube seems to at least recognize, even for the person with the whitest watch history in the world, that Eminem should probably not be followed by Kelly Clarkson. It’s not really clear to me that I’ll ever get back to Kelly Clarkson at this point, which is an interesting manifestation of the bias toward recognizing the Black community as only adding value as entertainers (whether in sports, music, or film).
  • 40. Smack That—Akon ft. Eminem (2006). 195,305,286 views. So in this music video, Akon is sprung from prison by Sal Maroni to help with a…sting operation? And Akon very, very easily manages to escape by…breaking a glass window with a chair? And Maroni isn’t going to catch Akon after figuring out where the car went? I have so many questions.
  • 41. Right Now (Na Na Na)—Akon (2008). 143,543,639 views.
  • 42. Don’t Matter—Akon (2007). 115,364,575 views. OH HELLO 1-5-6-4 DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
  • 43. Sorry, Blame It On Me—Akon (2007). 121,124,335 views. It’s interesting to me that a performer in this day and age actually directly addresses a scandal involving them in their music. I don’t know how successful it is (and Akon deflects like a motherfucker), and it’s interesting that he chooses a white family to tell the separation narrative in the video. I think it makes sense, even though it shouldn’t…but 2007. (Not that we’re doing much better in 2016.)
  • 44. Lonely—Akon (2005). 155,997,848 views. When I was 15, I wrote and recorded a parody of this song called “Baloney”. No, you can’t have it.
  • 45. Beautiful Girls—Sean Kingston (2007). 119,740,392 views. Also when I was 15, I went to Six Flags for a day. The only two songs they looped were the clean version of Beautiful Girls (“They’ll have you in denial, in denial“) and George Strait’s All My Exes Live In Texas. We got to the park at 10:30, and I was ready to leave by 1pm. (If you’re going to constantly replay a song around me, it had better be one of these.)
  • 46. Hey Ya!—Outkast (2003). 135,002,618 views. If I keep posting really silly remixes/mashups nobody is going to mind, right? Oh, everybody has already stopped reading?
  • 47. Ms. Jackson—Outkast (2000). 45,005,090 views. How long will it take me to get back to generic white people music? Forever? Forever ever?
  • 48. Roses—Outkast (2004). 17,201,205 views. I for the life of me have always believed that the Katt Williams character in the video was just Andre 3000 multiplied Hey-Ya style and after looking this up my world has been shattered
  • 49. The Way You Move—Outkast ft. Sleepy Brown (2003). 8,220,914 views.
  • 50. Beautiful—Snoop Dogg ft. Pharrell (2003). 38,623,382 views. Oh god Pharrell is EVEN SKINNIER in 2003. Also, his falsetto sounds as thin as my falsetto. This means I can still make it, right? I’m already willing to sign my contract for The Voice and renounce my racial background in ten years.
  • 51. Sensual Seduction—Snoop Dogg (2007). 47,109,170 views.
  • 52. Lollipop—Lil Wayne ft. Static (2008). 195,246,090 views. It’s really impressive that Lil Wayne made a song using the Deal or No Deal decision music as the primary sample
  • 53. Loyal—Chris Brown ft. Lil Wayne, Tyga (2013). 421,932,199 views. Well, that answers my earlier question about who still dances in their music videos. Chris Brown, and none of his featured artists, who just stand around instead.
  • 54. Post to Be—Omarion ft. Jhene Aiko, Chris Brown (2014). 312,803,053 views. A couple years ago, I went through a death spiral of playing Quizup, a trivia app complete with live standings and leaderboards. In addition to losing six weeks of my life in trying to chase the #1 overall spots in a couple categories, it imprinted in my mind that Omarion’s old band, B2K, released a Christmas album called Santa Hooked Me Up, which is why he and Jhene Aiko know each other. This is their lead single. You’re welcome. (I made it! I made it through this blurb without mentioning “eat the booty like groceries”!)
  • 55. All Eyes On You—Meek Mill ft. Nicki Minaj, Chris Brown (2015). 112,360,606 views. does chris brown just work his way into every single released since 2012
  • 56. Only—Nicki Minaj ft. Drake, Lil Wayne, Chris Brown (2014). 190,441,652 views. Drake: “That’s right, I like my girls BBW” [cut to the lead artist/subject of Drake’s line whose waist is probably at most a 30]
  • 57. 7/11—Beyoncé (2014). 290,883,821 views. Beyoncé: “what if I just do what I want because I’m talented and I been in this game for 20 years”
  • 58. Yoncé—Beyoncé (2014). 39,122,536 views.
  • 59. Feeling Myself—Nicki Minaj ft. Beyoncé (audio only) (2015). 52,997,417 views.
  • 60. Bitch Better Have My Money—Rihanna (lyric video) (2015). 50,872,812 views. Lyric videos are a truly modern creation and come with their own culture, which should itself be studied. Here’s just a taste:
    • In an annotation: Okay since the majority of you think it’s “Pay me what you owe me” then just ignore the fact that my video says “Pay me what you wanted” I’m sorry for the little mistake. IT”S JUST WHAT I HEAR.
    • In the description: For all the stupid ass hoes that wanna try and put me on blast for the lyrics, please shut the fuck up and go somewhere. Read the annotation at the beginning of the video. Don’t fuck with me, you’re gonna waste your time. And especially if you’re under 14, then definitely don’t try to act big and bad. You don’t get any extra points for cussing.
    • In the comments:jeffries
  • 61. I Don’t Fuck With You—Big Sean ft. E-40 (2014). 123,489,751 views.
  • 62. Nasty Freestyle—T-Wayne (2015). 97,901,294 views.
  • 63. Classic Man—Jidenna ft. Roman GianArthur (2015). 40,978,549 views. I have never wanted to buy a three-piece suit more in my entire damn life
  • 64. Hotline Bling—Drake (2015). 261,010,073 views. THIS IS ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED FROM THIS EXPERIMENT. Since the internet has already said everything I could want to say about this video, I’ll move on.
  • 65. The Hills—The Weeknd (2015). 476,515,246 views.
  • 66. Can’t Feel My Face—The Weeknd (2015). 304,936,646 views. In what I have to assume is some sort of Fantastic 4 cross-promotion, the only white person in the performance venue throws a lighter at The Weeknd and he becomes…Michael B. Jordan?
  • 67. Sorry—Justin Bieber (2015). 408,857,743 views. To tell the truth, I was expecting a lot worse from this video. It helps somewhat that Justin Bieber doesn’t even appear in it and that the choreography makes me feel bad that I can barely remember simple step patterns and ugh why do i even get up in the morning
  • 68. What Do You Mean?—Justin Bieber (2015). 501,837,931 views. A song about how boys are confused by “mixed signals” has a music video where Justin Bieber has Henri Toulouse-Lautrec fake-kidnap his girlfriend and actually fear for her life but it’s okay because it was all leading up to a party at a skatepark? Well, at least I understand now why Justin Bieber is Sorry.
  • 69. Where Are Ü Now—Skrillex & Diplo ft. Justin Bieber (2015). 372,944,074 views. I was at a friend’s house the weekend before I published this post when I correctly called this three-song sequence coming from Hello and Ariana Grande’s Focus and convinced at least one person that I was a wizard. So even if this post is for nothing and nobody ever reads this, at least this will be a really cool party trick…until newer and more popular songs come along in the next week or two. Worth it, huh?
  • 70. Lean On—Major Lazer & DJ Snake ft. Mø (2015). 943,640,675 views. “It’s not appropriation! Just some dudes sitting on horses while all the women dance in front of them.”
  • 71. Watch Me—Silento (2015). 512,354,225 views. Guys, all of this mindless music is ruining society! Don’t you remember the better times, when music actually had real lyrics????
  • 72. Uptown Funk—Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars (2014). 1,235,970,680 views. i am going to die knowing that i will never be as cool as bruno mars is in this video, regardless of how long i drill this choreography
  • 73. Sugar—Maroon 5 (2015). 942,058,668 views. Oh, how cute! Maroon 5 is doing a thing where they perform at weddings unannounced. Great, right? I wonder if it’s just a stunt or if they really care ab–ohlevineoh
  • 74. Thinking Out Loud—Ed Sheeran (2014). 901,333,729 views. Oh I guess I found white people music again. When did that happen??
  • 75. I’m Not The Only One—Sam Smith (2014). 529,326,238 views. OH NO
    OH NO MINDY OH NO
    NOOOOOOOOO
    DOES MINDY KNOW
  • 76. Hello—Adele (2015). 801,224,105 views. I find this video sad, but for very different reasons than most people.

    photo_5
    Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?/It’s no secret that the both of us are running out of time
  • 77. Someone Like You—Adele (2011). 608,937,354 views. This song serves a very important factfinding purpose in my life. If I can listen to this song without feeling completely despondent, I’m not so sad that I won’t eventually snap out of it on my own. However, if I can listen to this version of this song without giggling uncontrollably, something is wrong.
  • 78. Rolling In The Deep—Adele (2010). 793,204,133 views. “I’m so glad we fired that guy who kept smashing teacups. but now what are we doing to do with all of these broken teacups?” “no clue. what do you think?” “maybe we should make a music video”
  • 79. Set Fire To The Rain (Live at the Royal Albert)—Adele (2011). 200,805,947 views. Wait a minute, a live video? Does this count? Am I done? If I end up in an endless loop of live videos, I’m definitely never getting to Gangnam Style. What do I do? Let it fall, my heart?
  • 80. Turning Tables (Live at the Royal Albert)—Adele (2011). 36,561,111 views.
  • 81. Make You Feel My Love (Live on Letterman)—Adele (2008). 33,051,133 views. “I’d go to the ends of this earth for you/to make you feel my love” [immediate cut to “WORLDWIDE PANTS INCORPORATED”]
  • 82. Don’t You Remember (Live at Largo)—Adele (2011). 44,537,146 views.
  • 83. I Can’t Make You Love Me (Live)—Adele (2011). 12,705,225 views.
  • 84. Chasing Pavements—Adele (2008). 66,897,043 views.
  • 85. Hometown Glory—Adele (2007). 52,675,373 views.
  • 86. Rumor Has It—Adele (2011). 19,042,834 views.
  • 87. One And Only—Adele (lyric video) (2011). 75,991,788 views. okay seriously how many Adele songs can there be she’s only released three albums
  • 88. Skyfall—Adele (lyric video) (2012). 168,096,893 views. Skyfall is great. But why did it steal its chord progression from Stan?
  • 89. Diamonds—Rihanna (2012). 676,418,340 views. This is the weirdest Beatles tribute song I’ve ever heard, and that includes Yoko Ono’s cover of Firework.
  • 90. Chandelier—Sia (2014). 1,047,494,306 views.
  • 91. Elastic Heart—Sia (2013). 485,368,341 views. I’m now really confused as to why this wasn’t on Shia’s playlist when he watched every movie he’s appeared in in reverse chronological order. It wouldn’t be his best, but it would be close.
  • 92. Love Me Like You Do—Ellie Goulding (2015). 874,230,493 views. I appreciate that this is the lead song associated with a “romance” movie where the two leads obviously hate each other’s guts. The title is perfectly suited to an interpretation as charitable or uncharitable as you choose! As Ellie says, what are you waiting for?
  • 93. See You Again—Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth (2015). 1,278,119,284 views. wait why is Andy Samberg reprising his role from Iran So Far?
    samberg
  • 94. I’m An Albatroz—AronChupa (2014). 485,368,341 views. “Let me tell you all a story ’bout a mouse named Dilory/Dilory was a mouse in a big brown house”
    jake_okay“She called herself the ho with the money money blow”
    er-umm“But fuck that little mouse ’cause I’m an albatraoz”
    54820761cfbe942624befe13a2f36a00
  • 95. #SELFIE—The Chainsmokers (2014). 393,714,679 views. this is literally just every single thing i hate in the world, plus david hasselhoff and snoop dogg, in one neat little four-minute package why does this exist
    oh my god there is even a self-congratulatory clip about soliciting video material WITHIN THE VIDEO it’s become sentient
  • 96. Turn Down For What—DJ Snake, Lil Jon (2013). 341,254,620 views. I don’t have anything to say about EDM, really. There are no words to make fun of, the chord progressions are all non-offensive, and I secretly listen to all of it as exercise music anyway. The videos aren’t interesting in any way either, as evidenced by this one. Completely normal.
  • 97. Get Low—Dillon Francis, DJ Snake (2014). 198,278,941 views.
  • 98. Karate—R3HAB & KSHMR (2014). 72,492,336 views.
  • 99. Secrets—Tiesto & KSHMR ft. Vassy (2015). 74,871,097 views.
  • 100. Firestone—Kygo ft. Conrad Sewell (2014). 156,384,738 views. I may be the only person to be disappointed that this isn’t about the tire company
  • 101. Stole The Show—Kygo ft. Parson James (2015). 57,600,531 views.
  • 102. How Deep Is Your Love—Calvin Harris & Disciples (2015). 301,439,160 views. I still to this day do not know the difference between Calvin Harris and David Guetta. I’m sure that this is going to affect both of their privileged lives a lot and I apologize for bringing down music as we know it.
  • 103. Do It Again—Pia Mia ft. Chris Brown, Tyga (2015). 150,586,395 views. Who is Tyga and why does he not ever get his own songs? I feel like Chris Brown should be better at sharing.
  • 104. Body On Me—Rita Ora ft. Chris Brown (2015). 72,267,830 views. Okay, I recognize that this is a very very common setup for a music video but literally the opening scene for this video is Chris Brown alone in an elevator with a lady that has Rihanna-esque makeup…? And then at the end of the video he tracks her down and knocks on her window…?
  • 105. All Eyes On You—Meek Mill ft. Nicki Minaj, Chris Brown (second appearance). Oh no, I’m starting to get repeats? Am I just now stuck in an endless self-reinforcing feedback loop? I still have so much terrible pop music to listen to. Where is Katy Perry? Where is Pitbull? Where is Iggy Azalea? Why am I asking for more of any of these three artists?
  • 106. Only—Nicki Minaj ft. Drake, Lil Wayne, Chris Brown (second appearance). So I guess I’m never going to get to classic ’80s music from here if I’m getting present-day repeats, huh. You win this time, hair metal…but just you wait.
  • 107. 7/11—Beyoncé (second appearance).
  • 108. Post to Be—Omarion ft. Jhene Aiko, Chris Brown (second appearance). Okay, so they’re not in the same exact order as last time. Maybe I’ll end up going into something different after all. If only I had eaten the booty like groceries.
  • 109. Loyal—Chris Brown ft. Lil Wayne, Tyga (second appearance).
  • 110. Na Na—Trey Songz (2014). 128,006,599 views. So in just over 100 songs, I’ve gotten “Na Na Na”, “Nae Nae”, and “Na Na”. Only one of them has a music video that illuminates how men aren’t held to the same fitness and beauty standards that women are, even if only indirectly. Of course, the next song is…
  • 111. No Mediocre—T.I. ft. Iggy Azalea (2014). 100,279,193 views. by my count there are conservatively at least 40 different outfits that non-speaking women wear in this video, and I don’t even think we see T.I.’s knees once, which is still pretty much par for the course
  • 112. 23—Mike Will Made-It ft. Miley Cyrus, Wiz Khalifa, Juicy-J (2013). 500,329,822 views. I’ve rewatched this video twice and I still don’t understand why it’s called 23. Is it literally just because everybody is wearing Jordans? Is that it? Am I overthinking this?
  • 113. Feelin Myself—will.i.am ft. Miley Cyrus, Wiz Khalifa, French Montana (2013). 161,541,378 views. Not enough Beyoncé and Nicki eating burgers to be the best “Feelin Myself” in this list
  • 114. Thrift Shop—Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Wanz (2012). 820,365,564 views. Wait. Wait, in the second verse. that’s clearly a sample of this, right? Sheeeeeeeit.
  • 115. Can’t Hold Us—Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Ray Dalton (2011). 369,839,036 views.
  • 116. Radioactive—Imagine Dragons (2012). 446,844,254 views. So apparently Radioactive is the best-selling rock song of all time. How do you feel about, every fan of the 1970s?????? Let’s ask Lou Diamond Phillips.ldpThat’s what I thought too.
  • 117. Demons—Imagine Dragons (2013). 324,267,287 views.
  • 118. It’s Time—Imagine Dragons (2012). 172,342,548 views.
  • 119. On Top Of The World—Imagine Dragons (2013). 78,360,307 views. oh whoa, it’s proof that the moon landing was faked. Wake up sheeple! Lead singer Michael Shannon is showing everybody what really happened! That’s how music videos work, right?
  • 120. Best Day Of My Life—American Authors (2013). 78,411,196 views. So this is just a typical Facebook post in song form? (Last link is weirdly targeted at women when it has no reason to be, certainly speaking from personal experience.)
  • 121. Love Me Again—John Newman (2012). 363,515,682 views.
  • 122. Blame—Calvin Harris ft. John Newman (2014). 203,599,570 views. Wait, so you’re telling me that there’s a song that has a hook starting with “blame it on the” and the last word isn’t “alcohol”? I don’t understand. That’s not how music works.
  • 123. Summer—Calvin Harris (2014). 647,247,164 views.
  • 124. Lean On—Major Lazer & DJ Snake ft. Mø (second appearance).
  • 125. See You Again—Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth (second appearance).
  • 126. Hello—Adele (second appearance).
  • 127. Someone Like You—Adele (second appearance). Oh, okay, this is happening again. Am I going to really have to listen to the same sequence of Adele songs over and over again?
  • 128. Rolling In The Deep—Adele (second appearance). well okay
  • 129. Set Fire To The Rain (Live at the Royal Albert)—Adele (second appearance). I guess I can deal with that.
  • 130. Turning Tables (Live at the Royal Albert)—Adele (second appearance).
  • 131. Make You Feel My Love (Live on Letterman)—Adele (second appearance).
  • 132. Don’t You Remember (Live at Largo)—Adele (second appearance). This is getting a little silly.
  • 133. I Can’t Make You Love Me (Live)—Adele (second appearance).
  • 134. Chasing Pavements—Adele (second appearance).
  • 135. Hometown Glory—Adele (second appearance). Well, good, I’m almost done, just a couple more…
  • 136. Chasing Pavements—Adele (third appearance). what
  • 137. Don’t You Remember (Live at Largo)—Adele (third appearance). literally what is happening
  • 138. Make You Feel My Love (Live on Letterman)—Adele (third appearance). go home autoplay, you’re drunk, and I don’t want to feel your love
  • 139. I Can’t Make You Love Me (Live)—Adele (third appearance). oh god am I doomed to listen to Adele for the rest of my life
  • 140. One And Only—Adele (second appearance). at least like two of the songs are happy
  • 141. Hello—Adele (third appearance). I say goodbye, and you say hello
  • 142. Someone Like You—Adele (third appearance). I hope you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded that for me it isn’t oooooverudcjbyv
  • 143. Rolling In The Deep—Adele (third appearance).
  • 144. Set Fire To The Rain (Live at the Royal Albert)—Adele (third appearance).
  • 145. Turning Tables (Live at the Royal Albert)—Adele (third appearance).
  • 146. Skyfall—Adele (second appearance).
  • 147. Diamonds—Rihanna (second appearance). Oh good I’m free…sort of.
  • 148. Chandelier—Sia (second appearance).
  • 149. Elastic Heart—Sia (second appearance).
  • 150. Love Me Like You Do—Ellie Goulding (second appearance).
  • 151. Burn—Ellie Goulding (2013). 693,040,907 views. “We don’t have to worry ’bout nothing/’Cause we got the fire, and we’re burning one hell of a something” is a really strong opening couplet. I hope it goes down in history as a shining beacon of writing for all aspiring musicians in the future.
  • 152. I Need Your Love—Calvin Harris ft. Ellie Goulding (2013). 378,242,366 views. One thing I do appreciate about Ellie Goulding is that she doesn’t even remotely try to hide her British accent and still succeeds. When people like Adele are pronouncing every single one of their “R”s in songs (and listen to this interview or any other if you don’t believe she probably shouldn’t be), it makes me worried that the music industry is catering to a bubble that doesn’t, or at least shouldn’t, exist.
  • 153. Play Hard—David Guetta ft. Ne-Yo, Akon (2013). 441,305,680 views. HAS ANYBODY SEEN DAVID GUETTA AND CALVIN HARRIS IN THE SAME PLACE? ASKING FOR A FRIEND.
  • 154. Don’t You Worry Child—Swedish House Mafia ft. John Martin (2012). 327,379,873 views. “At Keller Graduate School of Management, we” i still don’t remember the second half of the ad even though I’ve now seen it at least eight times
  • 155. She Wolf (Falling To Pieces)—David Guetta ft. Sia (2012). 372,240,391 views. Wait, are the first four notes of this song and Titanium identical? Wait, are the verse structures identical? Wait, are the breaks almost identical? Wait, there’s no passable mashup of these two songs on Youtube? WHAT IS THE INTERNET FOR?
  • 156. Titanium—David Guetta ft. Sia (2011). 511,476,936 views. 
  • 157. Party Rock Anthem—LMFAO ft. Lauren Bennett, GoonRock (2011). 997,136,995 views. Well, this was a left turn.
  • 158. Sorry For Party Rocking—LMFAO (2012). 284,620,896 views.
  • 159. Champagne Showers—LMFAO ft. Natalia Kills (2011). 178,358,323 views. So there is a lot of music out there that I would not consider particularly high quality. It’s pretty rare, though, that there is a track that is so grating that I won’t listen to it. (After all, I did once leave the Nyan Cat theme on for eight consecutive hours.) The primary synth lead is actually not the worst thing I’ve heard, particularly given the baseline with these guys. The initial vocal line (as well as the first verse), though? I actually think it would be fine with no autotune, or even what I expect to be a normal amount of autotune. But this is literally so stepped to the scale that any slight tremor causes a flutter in the vocal line that it is not only nearly unintelligible but rhythmically distracting. Also, Jesus is white again. At least there’s dancing by the artists?
  • 160. Shots—LMFAO ft. Lil Jon (2009). 185,831,939 views. HELLO YOUTUBE. Tell me, how do you feel about current music compared to the classics?2009.pngGood to know, Youtube! Moving on…
  • 161. La La La—LMFAO (2009). 71,491,519 views. You know, I like Silicon Valley, but clearly their depiction of programming is not sufficiently authentic. LMFAO, you have truly opened my eyes to how the magic happens. Also, could we really not spare any autotune from Champagne Showers for this song?
  • 162. I’m In Miami Trick—LMFAO (2008). 34,043,418 views. Given the name of this song, you know who’s coming next…
  • 163. Give Me Everything—Pitbull ft. Ne-Yo, Afrojack, Nayer (2011). 508,712,922 views. “Hey, hey Pitbull. I bet you can’t use the name of a brand twice within the first seven seconds of a song.” “It’s cool, Mike D’Antoni, I can definitely do that papi. Why don’t you name a really random brand that nobody cares about to up the level of difficulty. Dale.”
  • 164. Rain Over Me—Pitbull ft. Marc Anthony (2011). 650,732,232 views. Why is a video called “Rain Over Me” being filmed in a desert? I hate to break it to you guys, but this is probably not going to alleviate the California drought no matter how hard you dance.
  • 165. International Love—Pitbull ft. Chris Brown (2011). 474,435,409 views. Places mentioned in the Chris Brown chorus: New York City, Los Angeles, Miami. At least even if the places Pitbull mentions are overwhelmingly still in the Americas, that counts as international.
  • 166. Feel This Moment—Pitbull ft. Christina Aguilera (2013). 314,131,089 views. The first song I ever sang at karaoke was Take On Me by A-ha. I’m really conflicted about this song, but I’m definitely really sad that this video doesn’t have enough wrench fights:aha
  • 167. Timber—Pitbull ft. Ke$ha (2013). 724,229,714 views. hey remember when a prominent female recording artist tried to sue to release herself from a contract that meant that she was forced to work with somebody she had a valid reason not to associate with, and her label said that her resulting unwilling hiatus from music was good because it advanced other people’s careers to leave the music industry for a while? no? hm it must just be because things like that don’t happen
  • 168. Uptown Funk—Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars (second appearance).
  • 169. Sugar—Maroon 5 (second appearance). hmm no gay weddings? in Los Angeles? Must be a case of CATERING TO MAINSTREAM AMERICA!
  • 170. See You Again—Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth (third appearance).
  • 171. Hello—Adele (fourth appearance). oh here we go again
  • 172. Someone Like You—Adele (fourth appearance).
  • 173. Rolling In The Deep—Adele (fourth appearance). Eventually something different has to happen, right?
  • 174. Set Fire To The Rain (Live at the Royal Albert)—Adele (fourth appearance).
  • 175. Turning Tables (Live at the Royal Albert)—Adele (fourth appearance).
  • 176. Make You Feel My Love (Live on Letterman)—Adele (fourth appearance).
  • 177. Don’t You Remember (Live at Largo)—Adele (fourth appearance).
  • 178. I Can’t Make You Love Me (Live)—Adele (fourth appearance).
  • 179. Chasing Pavements—Adele (fourth appearance).
  • 180. Hometown Glory—Adele (third appearance).
  • 181. Rumour Has It—Adele (second appearance).
  • 182. One And Only—Adele (third appearance).
  • 183. Skyfall—Adele (third appearance).
  • 184. Diamonds—Rihanna (third appearance).
  • 185. Chandelier—Sia (third appearance).
  • 186. Elastic Heart—Sia (third appearance).
  • 187. Love Me Like You Do—Ellie Goulding (third appearance).
  • 188. Blank Space—Taylor Swift (2014). 1,361,446,574 views. Oh good, the one corner of mainstream pop music I was really looking forward to. This is actually my first listen to both this song and the next, and while I am not particularly impressed, I do think that the writing in this song is better than most of the other Taylor Swift that I’ve heard. But on a more serious note, is there a Taylor Swift song that exists that doesn’t mention either red lips/cherry lips/red lipstick or the fact that a man is tall? Still looking.
  • 189. Shake It Off—Taylor Swift (2014). 1,226,798,074 views. Oh, I guess this one doesn’t mention lips at all! Just a “let’s try all of these things, wow I can’t do these things, these are hard, but it’s fine” theme that is dangerously close to being patronizing, and could be uncharitably interpreted that way! At least her Twitter war was relatively bloodless.
  • 190. All About That Bass—Meghan Trainor (2014). 1,176,884,113 views. If I can’t be the bass harmony from Boyz II Men when I grow up, I just want to be the dancing man in this video
  • 191. Roar—Katy Perry (2013). 1,192,465,730 views. WHAT A TWIST ENDING. (Spoiler alert…?) It was all a dream all along…except it wasn’t!
  • 192. Dark Horse—Katy Perry ft. Juicy-J (2013). 1,220,831,645 views. Okay, so this is the second Juicy-J song that’s come up and it’s taken me until now to realize that Juicy-J is not Jesse J. I’m really good at this celebrity thing.
  • 193. This Is How We Do—Katy Perry (2014). 414,661,995 views. Okay seriously. But actually? Respect by Aretha Franklin, which is just a pretty solid song to begin with, is considered an early feminist and civil rights anthem, turning the very dated Otis Redding original into a symbol of strength. So it’s great when we specifically have Franklin’s version recognized like this:
    respect
    “Yo, shout out to all you kids/Buying bottle service with your rent money/Respect”

    A truly moving tribute to a landmark song.

  • 194. Birthday—Katy Perry (2014). 118,695,674 views. It’s interesting to me that I went through the lyric video for Birthday, given that there is a perfectly serviceable music video for this song as well. Yes, it involves Katy Perry awkwardly impersonating a Jewish person and actually causing a fake car crash in front of people who don’t know it’s not real, but hey. I bet it was fun to make!
  • 195. California Gurls—Katy Perry ft. Snoop Dogg (2010). 223,778,949 views. I have listened to this track a number of times and have not until now quite comprehended just how much Snoop Dogg mails in his verse. His most inventive rhyme in the entire thing might be “on ya/California”; most of the rest are really dicey slant rhymes or same-word “rhymes”. Gin and Juice this is not.
  • 196. Wide Awake—Katy Perry (2012). 445,322,790 views.
  • 197. Hot N Cold—Katy Perry (2008). 334,722,774 views. I’ve watched the second-verse club scene probably a dozen times in the last two weeks trying to figure out what brand they’re trying to product-place on Katy Perry’s belt and I still for the life of me CANNOT figure it out. Also, Alexander needs to stop being a dumbshit. His face is pretty frozen in place, but his biggest reaction the entire video appears to be one of legitimate fear when he sees the zebra at the end of the song. I don’t know why he’s scared of zebras, but he should maybe be worried about this whole, you know, commitment thing he made presumably months ago and hasn’t gone back on since. (Or maybe he has, and that’s why he’s worried about it.)
  • 198. Part Of Me—Katy Perry (2012). 371,716,778 views. “What are we doing today?” “Well, you know how we’re part of the greatest military in the world?” “Yeah.” “Well, we’re going to hold up a gigantic American flag parachute up while Katy Perry films a music video under it.” “Great!”partofme
  • 199. The One That Got Away—Katy Perry (2011). 347,223,558 views. Why do we live in a world where Katy Perry gets better age progression than Nelson Mandela?
  • 200. Unconditionally—Katy Perry (2013). 227,645,790 views.
  • 201. Let It Go—Demi Lovato (2013). 432,611,722 views. No. No no no no no. Demi Lovato, don’t you know that Let It Go is meant to be a bittersweet song with a darker bent? That’s why it’s in F minor/A-flat major to begin with—to give it that more muted backdrop on which to work. Doing this song in an open key like G major is completely counter to the spirit of the song. If you’re worried about your break, then you should have done the song in F-sharp/E-flat minor! Ughhhhhhhh.
  • 202. Made In The USA—Demi Lovato (2013). 114,899,737 views. Fun fact: Things can be “made in the USA” even if they’re made in overseas territories. The minimum wage in Saipan was barely $3 an hour as recently as 2006.
  • 203. Ready Or Not—Bridgit Mendler (2012). 123,605,094 views. Who is Bridgit Mendler, you ask? Great question! She’s a former Disney Channel star who was 19 at the time this song was released. Did you have a video on Youtube with 100 million views when you were 19? Unless your name is Adele, I’ll guess the answer is no. I feel really good about my life right now.
  • 204. Hurricane—Bridgit Mendler (2013). 93,526,624 views. And she can rap! Sort of, at least. The fake British accent is kind of strange, though.
  • 205. Replay—Zendaya (2013). 120,244,119 views. Whoa, Disney Channel discovered there are people who aren’t white people! Fun fact: Zendaya is currently 19. This song came out two and a half years ago. I don’t even have anything snarky to say here.
  • 206. Call It Whatever—Bella Thorne (2014). 47,159,169 views. THIS one, though. I assume the reason why bubblegum pop took a bit of a backseat 15 years ago is because the world needed to save up to create this video. It’s cool that they found the diner used in the Forget You music video, though.
  • 207. Can’t Blame A Girl For Trying—Sabrina Carpenter (2014). 27,272,806 views. YOU WERE BORN IN 1999 THIS IS INVALID. “I’m young/And I’m dumb/And I do stupid things when it comes to love” is, well…okay I just remembered when I wrote a six page love letter to a girl in seventh grade after I convinced myself that we would get married in 11 years (why 11? I don’t know) never mind carry on
  • 208. The Middle Of Starting Over—Sabrina Carpenter (2014). 17,342,084 views. Yeah, this is about the amount of greenscreen I’d want to use if I were 15 and trying to make my own music video with virtually unlimited resources.
  • 209. We’ll Be The Stars—Sabrina Carpenter (2015). 14,809,791 views. Yeah, this is about the amount of horses I’d want to use if I were 15 and trying to make my own music video with virtually unlimited resources. Hell, this is about the amount of horses I’d want to use right now if I were in this position.
  • 210. Eyes Wide Open—Sabrina Carpenter (2015). 17,532,069 views. Yeah, this is about the amount of eyeshadow I’d want to use if I were 15 and trying to make my own music video with virtually unlimited resources. Or if I were 24 and wanted to feel pretty. One of these days I’ll learn how IT’S 2016 OKAY I AM ALLOWED TO LEARN HOW. tumblr_inline_nx2fldylqd1tttf6h_500Oh, uh, moving on.
  • 211. If Only—Dove Cameron (Descendants) (2015). 53,999,957 views. Oh no. All the Disney Channel stars were fun while it wasn’t actually music from movies created by the Disney Channel. And yet…this is actually not that much of a dropoff. I still don’t see how I’m going to get to Gangnam Style, but I’m sure it’ll all work out. I’ve already gone 161 videos past where I planned to, so it has to work out eventually.
  • 212. Rotten To The Core—Descendants (2015). 121,077,355 views. oh no never mind this is not ideal
  • 213. Did I Mention—Mitchell Hope (Descendants) (2015). 40,370,800 views.
  • 214. Be Our Guest—Descendants (2015). 28,042,456 views. Well, at least they had the good sense to throw in a cover of a better song from a better Disney movie. A painful cover, but a cover nonetheless.
  • 215. Set It Off—Descendants (2015). 44,770,247 views.
  • 216. That’s How We Do—Teen Beach 2 (2015). 24,057,025 views. Oh god what is this. This is…Teen Beach 2. Here’s the first sentence of the plot summary on Wikipedia: “It is the eve of the first day of school for Brady (Ross Lynch) and Mack (Maia Mitchell), who spend it at Dolphin’s Cove celebrating their ‘meet-iversary’ and reminiscing about the summer and the day they met at Dolphin’s Cove over Brady’s favorite movie, Wet Side Story, the movie Brady and Mack got stuck in during the events of the first movie (‘Best Summer Ever’).” The chorus of this song is “Bubble bubble bubble-a, popple popple popple-a, sparkle sparkle rattly-doo/Fizzle fizzle fizzle-a, whizzle whizzle whizzle-a, boom-a boom-a that’s how we do.” I am voluntarily spending my free time watching this. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
  • 217. Twist Your Frown Upside Down—Teen Beach 2 (2015). 10,104,428 views. Upon further delving into the plot, there are actually a number of redeeming qualities about this movie, which include the recognition that a lot of classic “summer movies” in the cultural consciousness are not particularly kind to women (which is the primary conflict that the stars of the movie and the movie-within-the-movie directly remedy). If these songs are any more upbeat though I am probably going to punch a puppy.
  • 218. Right Where I Wanna Be—Teen Beach 2 (2015). 4,958,841 views. oh god they do get more upbeat
  • 219. Silver Screen—Teen Beach 2 (2015). 4,649,621 views. There is one other redeeming quality: the videos are getting shorter.
  • 220. Best Summer Ever—Teen Beach 2 (2015). 11,985,806 views.
  • 221. That’s How We Do—Teen Beach 2 (2015). 7,729,568 views. I don’t know it yet, but this is about to be the beginning of a world of pain for me. Note that this is not the same mirror as #216 above, instead being a DisneyChannelUK video. This will be important.
  • 222. Cruisin’ For A Bruisin’—Teen Beach Movie (2013). 18,810,525 views.
  • 223. Like Me—Teen Beach Movie (2013). 20,796,552 views. “Thanks for watching! Now click left or right for more great shows or subscribe to keep up to date with the latest Disney Channel Youtube clips!”
  • 224. Can’t Stop Singing—Teen Beach Movie (2013). 16,329,267 views.
  • 225. Oxygen—Teen Beach Movie (2013). 9,088,003 views.
  • 226. Fallin’ For Ya—Teen Beach Movie (2013). 10,677,411 views.
  • 227. Meant To Be—Teen Beach Movie (2013). 12,390,864 views. Oh, delightful. This is literally just the part of Back To The Future where Marty’s mom starts falling in love with him, except the whole parallel movie universe thing avoids that tricky incest problem.
  • 228. Meant To Be—Teen Beach 2 (2015). 897,719 views.
  • 229. No Place Like Home—Austin & Ally (2015). 2,373,193 views. Well, this is a little different. “Set in Miami, Austin & Ally is a multi-camera comedy about the relationship between two very different musicians: extroverted singer and instrumentalist Austin Moon (Ross Lynch), who is fun-loving and outgoing, and introverted and awkward songwriter Ally Dawson (Laura Marano), who is a singer, but has a bad case of stage fright.”
  • 230. Parachute Song—Austin & Ally (2015). 650,281 views. Thankfully, all of these videos are two and a half minutes max.
  • 231. I Love Christmas—Austin & Ally (2014). 902,844 views. “What’s your favorite time of year, can you tell me?” “The one that never gets here fast enough.” If somebody comes up with a song that goes in one of these series, how much do you think they get paid? $500? $250? The chorus for this one is literally “oh-whoa-whoa, oh-whoa-whoa I love Christmas (x2)”.
  • 232. Stuck On You—Austin & Ally (2015). 211,191 views.
  • 233. Think About You—Austin & Ally (2013). 3,143,515 views.
  • 234. It’s Not A Love Song—Austin & Ally (2012). 4,305,174 views. If anybody understood how a microphone works, none of these clips would make any sense. All of these “live performances” with perfect EQ are hilarious. And we wonder why Ashlee Simpson and Milli Vanilli exist.
  • 235. A Billion Hits—Austin & Ally (2012). 1,863,229 views.
  • 236. I Got The Rock N Roll—Austin & Ally (2014). 672,301 views.
  • 237. Better Than This—Austin & Ally (2014). 792,590 views.
  • 238. The Me That You Don’t See—Austin & Ally (2014). 665,070 views.
  • 239. Dance Like Nobody’s Watching—Austin & Ally (2015). 813,359 views. Why am I getting an investment management advertisement? Does Youtube think that most people watching Disney Channel videos need stock market advice? Granted, it seems like everybody in the Disney universe is a teen music sensation, so maybe there’s something there.
  • 240. Me and You—Austin & Ally (2014). 1,414,647 views. This is supposed to be an impromptu live performance and all of the vocals are double-tracked. I don’t even know how to deal with this.
  • 241. You Can Come To Me—Austin & Ally (2013). 4,373,944 views.
  • 242. Mash Up Of Songs—Austin & Ally (2014). 4,975,672 views. This is not a “mashup”. A mashup would involve more than one song being sung simultaneously. This is called a “medley”.
  • 243. Finally Me—Austin & Ally (2015). 3,841,673 views. Oh god why are you dancing with a violin like that I don’t care that it’s almost certainly a prop this physically pains meviolin.pngno no no no no no
  • 244. Can We Dance—The Vamps (Jessie) (2015). 1,045,397 views. um how many Disney Channel original series are there
  • 245. Problem—Pentatonix (K.C. Undercover) (2015). 339,878 views. I guess the answer is “a lot but only one without a primarily white cast”. Also, two guest spots in a row. This means I’m moving back into Top 40 territory, right? Right? Right????
  • 246. Froyo Yolo—Liv and Maddie (2014). 2,825,501 views. I AM SO CONFUSED. WHY ARE THERE ANIMATRONIC ANIMALS AND ANGEL COSTUMES. If the Disney Channel were like this when I was growing up I might have actually watched some of this mess. Also, this seems to be venturing further and further from the mainstream.
  • 247. On Top Of The World—Liv and Maddie (2014). 1,964,239 views.
  • 248. Dancing By Myself—A.N.T. Farm (2014). 693,768 views. Well, this is different. What the hell is A.N.T. Farm, and why are half of the characters about eight years old?
  • 249. Red Carpet (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2012). 248,383 views. Oh god this is a non-song clip. Where is this taking me? How am I already 50 videos away from Katy Perry? WHAT IS THIS SHOW?
  • 250. A Little Research (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2012). 180,591 views. Okay, I’ve done a little research. “Taking place in San Francisco, the series [follows] middle-schoolers in a gifted program at their local high school called the ‘Advanced Natural Talent’ or ‘A.N.T.’ program.” It looks like each of the super young kids is advanced in a different way…and they’ve all been placed through to 9th grade anyway? This is completely ridiculous.
  • 251. Will The Real Chyna Please Stand Up (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2012). 256,040 views. I just started getting sidebar ads for actual ant farms. My life is in shambles.
  • 252. New Girl (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2012). 140,981 views.
  • 253. Romantic Date (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2012). 128,524 views.
  • 254. The Dance (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2012). 186,478 views. These clips are borderline unwatchable, but at least they’re only a minute or so long each, even including the super grating DisneyChannelUK appended message.
  • 255. Opening Title—A.N.T. Farm (2012). 322,067 views.
  • 256. ParticipANTs (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2011). 324,808 views. Never mind. Five minutes.
  • 257. TransplANTed (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2011). 318,344 views. So it looks like every single episode name includes some sort of wordplay involving the word “ANT”. Now I know how other people feel when they have to hear my jokes all the time.
  • 258. PhANTom Locker (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2011). 344,446 views.
  • 259. PhANTom Locker Part 2 (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2011). 246,702 views.
  • 260. Calling All The Monsters—China Anne McClain (2011). 4,621,755 views. Whoa, an actual song!
  • 261. Calling All The Monsters (Behind The Scenes) (2011). 410,503 views. So it looks like McClain, the lead actor in A.N.T. Farm, has a producer father that is constantly looking for opportunities for his daughters (a la Knowles family), whether or not they’re the ones who are pushing for it.
  • 262. IntelligANT (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2012). 263,699 views. It seems to have at least gotten the Disney Channel to greenlight a show with a WOC as a nominal lead…
  • 263. SignificANT Other (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2012). 284,392 views. …and a good number of clearly interracial romantic plots, which is pretty great. But also painful, because it’s Disney Channel romance.
  • 264. Go—A.N.T. Farm (2013). 430,069 views. Another actual song! With McClain’s sisters involved. It’s not the best music, but it’s fine. Some people aren’t convinced, though: 1111china
  • 265. Unstoppable—A.N.T. Farm (2013). 1,004,816 views.
  • 266. Opening Titles—A.N.T. Farm (2013). 238,472 views. Wait a minute. These are, indeed, the opening titles for the show. But didn’t I watch these opening titles 11 videos ago? On this same channel? As it turns out, they are DIFFERENT videos uploaded by the SAME CHANNEL eleven months apart. What the hell? Is THIS why I’ve been stuck watching these videos since #220? How many videos can this channel have? Do I have to watch them all before I can leave?
  • 267. TrANTsferred (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2013). 100,518 views. This channel has 1509 videos. I might be stuck here for a while. But I can’t give up now, right? Bring on the Cheez-Its and the barf bag.
  • 268. TrANTsferred Part 2 (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2013). 129,040 views. I definitely can give up now, right? I’m going to give up now. There’s apparently a vomit gun in this clip and I don’t even know what’s going on anymore.
  • 269. Brand New Season (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2013). 102,444 views. i did not want to see an ad for this show thank you
  • 270. SilANT Night (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2013). 178,894 views.
  • 271. Uncanny ResemblANTs (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2014). 328,304 views. Um, I think this is a straight-up Katy Perry/Gaga parody, which I have to respect given all of the worrisome Katy Perry songs I have just had to listen to. Still, it’s Disney Channel, which means that every joke is setup/straight man explanation/obvious punchline and I am going to throw these Cheez-Its through a window.
  • 272. FinANTial Crisis (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2014). 173,962 views.
  • 273. Feature PresANTation (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2014). 102,547 views.
  • 274. Product MisplacemANT (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2014). 2,147,447 views. This is by far the most viewed A.N.T. Farm video that I’ve seen, and it involves McClain painting anime eyes on her forehead and singing a duet in Japanese with a man in his 40s. I really, REALLY have no idea how to feel about this.
  • 275. Do Your Own Thing—A.N.T. Farm (2014). 1,464,802 views. This is way more sidewalk space than I’ve ever seen anywhere in New York City. Also why are all the people on the right side white? Is this a subliminal message about de facto segregation in large cities? (Of course not—it’s the Disney Channel.)
  • 276. New York ExperiANTs (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2014). 470,887 views.
  • 277. UnwANTed (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2014). 209,647 views. Wait, the Disney Channel is okay with showing kissing? Next they’re going to show people holding hands! It’s a slippery slope!
  • 278. MeANT To Be (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2014). 214,037 views.
  • 279. Unforeseen CircumstANTs (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2013). 291,156 views.
  • 280. Animal HusbANTry (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2013). 108,906 views. On the other side of things, this is the least viewed video I’ve seen on this channel, and CHRIS ROCK is in it. And he makes jokes about Rob Schneider! Do people who watch this show know who Rob Schneider is?
  • 281. Secret AgeANT (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (2013). 338,480 views.
  • 282. Teddy’s Video Diaries (Clip)—Good Luck Charlie (2014). 1,741,616 views. What is this and why is it 74 minutes long. Apparently every single video diary from a 97-episode family sitcom starring Bridgit Mendler. So…ready or not?
  • 283. Teddy’s Video Diaries: Break Up (Clip)—Good Luck Charlie (2014). 803,110 views. just why
  • 284. Teddy’s Video Diaries: Teddy’s 16th Birthday (Clip) (2014). 440,958 views. ugh
  • 285. Teddy’s Video Diaries: Shake It Up (Clip)—Good Luck Charlie (2014). 164,372 views. So…this is a crossover with Shake It Up? What’s that?
  • 286. Future It Up—Shake It Up (2013). 651,901 views. From Wikipedia: “The show’s original concept was for Disney to create a female buddy comedy with a dance aspect. The show follows the adventures of CeCe Jones and Rocky Blue as they star as background dancers on a local show.” The mere fact that somebody has strung together the words “female buddy comedy with a dance aspect” is troubling.
  • 287. Get’cha Head In The Game—Shake It Up (2012). 375,496 views. This is a cover of the High School Musical song. I guess those songwriters writing at $250 a pop for Austin & Ally couldn’t come up with anything here.
  • 288. Made In Japan—Shake It Up (2012). 1,220,886 views. Was the beat for Barbra Streisand by Duck Sauce made in Japan too?
  • 289. Fashion Is My Kryptonite—Shake It Up (2012). 9,398,770 views. “When we up in the club/It’s easy to see/That we got style in our veins/’Cause fashion’s what we breathe” so I’m not sure that anybody associated with this video understands what the cultural understanding of “kryptonite” is.
  • 290. Calling All The Monsters—China Anne McClain (second appearance). Oh no we’re repeating videos in THIS channel? But I have 1420 more to go! Maybe it’s just because this one is so popular.
  • 291. Calling All The Monsters (Behind The Scenes)—China Anne McClain (second appearance). Yeah…and this one too.
  • 292. IntelligANT (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance). oh nooooooooooooo
  • 293. SignificANT Other (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance). noooooooooooooooooo
  • 294. Go—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance). It is now resolved. I will go down with this ship. And I won’t put my hands up and surrender. Even if it takes 500 videos, I will keep going until I am squarely out of Disney Channel territory. (But if it takes 1000, that might be too many.)
  • 295. Unstoppable—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance). I guess I’m already 1/5 of the way to 500.
  • 296. Opening Title (#266)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance). Do or do not, there is no “why”.
  • 297. TrANTsferred (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance).
  • 298. TrANTsferred Part 2 (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance).
  • 299. Brand New Season (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance).
  • 300. SilANT Night (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance).
  • 301. Uncanny ResemblANTs (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance).
  • 302. FinANTial Crisis (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance).
  • 303. Feature PresANTation (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance).
  • 304. Do Your Own Thing—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance).
  • 305. New York ExperiANTs (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance).
  • 306. UnwANTed (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance). Any day now, I’ll exit this loop into something else. That’s what happened with Adele, right?
  • 307. MeANT To Be (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance). Don’t remind me that I had the double-loop with Adele where it folded back upon itself.
  • 308. Unforeseen CircumstANTs (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance). This loop would be closer to 30 videos than 13. We might be here a while.
  • 309. Animal HusbANTry (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance).
  • 310. The Dance (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance).
  • 311. Opening Title (#255)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance).
  • 312. ParticipANTs (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance).
  • 313. TransplANTed (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance). Did you know that China Anne McClain is the full name of the actor, but the character’s name is spelled Chyna?
  • 314. PhANTom Locker (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance).
  • 315. PhANTom Locker Part 2 (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance).
  • 316. Calling All The Monsters—China Anne McClain (third appearance).
  • 317. Calling All The Monsters (Behind The Scenes)—China Anne McClain (third appearance).
  • 318. IntelligANT (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance).
  • 319. SignificANT Other (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance).
  • 320. Go—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance). i can’t believe that china park’s is in a band
  • 321. Unstoppable—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance).
  • 322. Opening Title (#266)—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance).
  • 323. TrANTsferred (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance).
  • 324. TrANTsferred PArt 2 (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance).
  • 325. Brand New Season (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance). are you ready for season 3 of A.N.T. farm it’s going to involve exactly the same people with slightly more special effects, and also a weird british guy. so kind of like season 3 of game of thrones except the opposite
  • 326. SilANT Night (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance).
  • 327. Uncanny ResemblANTs (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance).
  • 328. FinANTial Crisis (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance).
  • 329. Feature PresANTation (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance).
  • 330. Do Your Own Thing—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance).
  • 331. New York ExperiANTs (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance).
  • 332. UnwANTed (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance).
  • 333. Dancing By Myself—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance). WAIT. This was the first A.N.T. Farm clip I got. Does this mean that there’s going to be a light at the end of the tunnel? Is this how I get out?
  • 334. Red Carpet (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance). YES, we’re getting there. This is the second clip I got.
  • 335. A Little Research (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance). Wait…this was the third clip I got.
  • 336. Will The Real Chyna Please Stand Up (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance). no please please anything but this
  • 337. New Girl (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance). literally anything but this
  • 338. Romantic Date (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance).
  • 339. The Dance (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance).
  • 340. Opening Title (#255)—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance). So why exactly does the theme song for this show use the instrumental from Cee Lo’s Forget You?
  • 341. ParticipANTs (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance).
  • 342. TransplANTed (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance).
  • 343. PhANTom Locker (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance).
  • 344. PhANTom Locker Part 2 (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (third appearance).
  • 345. Calling All The Monsters—China Anne McClain (fourth appearance).
  • 346. Calling All The Monsters (Behind The Scenes)—China Anne McClain (fourth appearance). you’re behind the scenes of my music video! it’s called calling all the monsters and it’s a metaphor about how monsters dance
  • 347. IntelligANT (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (fourth appearance).
  • 348. SignificANT Other (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (fourth appearance).
  • 349. Go—A.N.T. Farm (fourth appearance).
  • 350. Unstoppable—A.N.T. Farm (fourth appearance).
  • 351. Opening Title (#266)—A.N.T. Farm (fourth appearance). you got it, you got it
  • 352. TrANTsferred (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (fourth appearance).
  • 353. TrANTsferred Part 2 (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (fourth appearance).
  • 354. Brand New Season (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (fourth appearance).
  • 355. SilANT Night (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (fourth appearance).
  • 356. Uncanny ResemblANTs (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (fourth appearance).
  • 357. FinANTial Crisis (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (fourth appearance).
  • 358. Feature PresANTation (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (fourth appearance).
  • 359. Product MisplacemANT (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance).
  • 360. Do Your Own Thing—A.N.T. Farm (fourth appearance).
  • 361. New York ExperiANTs (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (fourth appearance).
  • 362. UnwANTed (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (fourth appearance).
  • 363. Secret AgeANT (Clip)—A.N.T. Farm (second appearance).
  • 364. Teddy’s Video Diaries (Clip)—Good Luck Charlie (second appearance). hell is knowing that there are another 74 minutes before you have any chance of watching anything you haven’t already watched before
  • 365. Teddy’s Video Diaries: Break Up (Clip)—Good Luck Charlie (second appearance).
  • 366. Teddy’s Video Diaries: Teddy’s 16th Birthday (Clip)—Good Luck Charlie (second appearance).
  • 367. Teddy’s Video Diaries: Shake It Up (Clip)—Good Luck Charlie (second appearance).
  • 368. Future It Up—Shake It Up (second appearance).
  • 369. Get’cha Head In The Game—Shake It Up (second appearance). This is a song about basketball WHY ARE THEY ALL IN BASEBALL UNIFORMS and carrying bats
  • 370. Made In Japan—Shake It Up (second appearance).
  • 371. Blow The System—Shake It Up (2014). 755,558 views. Well, this is at least something I haven’t seen before. The last time I saw this much saturated color was in the alligator from the Allison Williams Peter Pan: peter-pan-croc_612x380_0
  • 372. Freaky Freekend—Coco Jones (Shake It Up) (2013). 590,725 views. So Zendaya and Bella Thorne are backup dancers on a Chicago TV show, but none (or at least only a few) of their performances involve any actual singers at the front of the stage. Who the hell is singing all of these songs?
  • 373. Ring Ring—Shake It Up (2014). 1,104,805 views. Disney Channel grew to LEVEL 32! Disney Channel learned SUPERIMPOSE ACTOR!
  • 374. Egg It Up—Shake It Up (2012). 1,991,897 views.
  • 375. Whodunit—Shake It Up (2012). 1,083,504 views. “Thanks for watching! Now click left or right for more great shows or subscribe to keep up to date with the latest Disney Channel Youtube clips!”
  • 376. Shake Santa Shake—Zendaya (Shake It Up) (2012). 6,836,471 views.
  • 377. Psych It Up—Shake It Up (2013). 1,558,566 views.
  • 378. Sweet 16 It Up—Shake It Up (2014). 2,037,039 views. Even the new music sounds like the same music after 200 videos. Nothing has ever mattered. Nothing will ever matter. Eat Arby’s.
  • 379. Remember Me—Shake It Up (2014). 2,136,258 views.
  • 380. Sweetie—Carly Rae Jepsen (Shake It Up) (2013). 2,380,769 views. Oh good, a 27-year-old who looks 16 with 16-year-olds who could easily be 27. Because we are a culture that places delightfully great weight on what age you look. But only metaphorical weight. If it were real weight, that would be a problem.
  • 381. How Do I Get There From Here—A.N.T. Farm (2013). 1,244,809 views. NO. I AM NOT GOING BACK. YOU BETTER NOT.
  • 382. Beautiful—China Anne McClain (2012). 3,493,551 views. okay, this is acceptable, although there is only one Beautiful
  • 383. You Can Come To Me—Austin & Ally (second appearance). oh no
  • 384. Think About You—Austin & Ally (second appearance). oh, oh no
  • 385. It’s Not A Love Song—Austin & Ally (second appearance).
  • 386. A Billion Hits—Austin & Ally (second appearance).
  • 387. I Got The Rock N Roll—Austin & Ally (second appearance). Apparently this is a fake Disney Channel version of America’s Got Talent. And one of the judges appears to be the Burger King? burgerking.pngThe studio audience seems a little smaller, too.
  • 388. Better Than This—Austin & Ally (second appearance).
  • 389. The Me That You Don’t See—Austin & Ally (second appearance).
  • 390. Dance Like Nobody’s Watching—Austin & Ally (second appearance).
  • 391. Parachute Song—Austin & Ally (second appearance).
  • 392. I Love Christmas—Austin & Ally (second appearance).
  • 393. Stuck On You—Austin & Ally (second appearance).
  • 394. Better Together—Austin & Ally (2015). 1,059,185 views. I JUST NOTICED that the descriptions for these videos are possibly even worse than anything else associated with these videos: “Aw, Austin sings this totes cute song ‘Better Together’ to help show how close him, Dez, Trish and Ally really are!” They don’t even use Oxford commas, which is completely unacceptable. Aren’t Oxford commas British? (Apparently not. Weird.)
  • 395. I’ve Got That Rock N Roll—Austin & Ally (2015). 306,147 views. Yup, so the multiple versions of a single video on the same channel is not an unusual occurrence for DisneyChannelUK. This explains how they manage to have over 1500 videos of content. Also, “OMG check out that super cool guitar solo as Austin rocks out!” There are a number of things that Austin is probably not actually doing in this clip, but the one he’s clearly not doing is actually playing the guitar. At least he has a headset mic, so he could actually be plausibly singing (he’s not).
  • 396. Heard It On The Radio—Austin & Ally (2015). 163,346 views. “Do you #love this song?” This is not how hashtags work, DisneyChannelUK.
  • 397. Illusion—Austin & Ally (2012). 1,686,281 views.
  • 398. Living In The Moment—Austin & Ally (2013). 1,145,574 views. “The wire’s taking all the pressure off Austin’s knee!” Really? I couldn’t tell. pressure2
  • 399. Don’t Look Down—Austin & Ally (2014). 735,182 views.
  • 400. Double Take—Austin & Ally (2012). 7,130,337 views.
  • 401. Something To Dance For/TTYLXOX—Shake It Up (2012). 62,445,953 views. This is an actual mashup, at least. And to their credit, the songs are different enough that the mashup is actually not something you’d necessarily expect. But 62 million views? That’s reserved for finger-biting and trips to the dentist and mysterious ticking noises. If only better and more interesting mashups could approach those viewcount numbers.
  •  402. Determinate—Lemonade Mouth (2011). 26,986,127 views. The sad thing is that we’re now about 200 videos into Disney and this is probably the best writing that I’ve heard by a pretty decent margin. And by “probably the best writing”, I’m referring to a song that has the quatrain “I wanna cry/I can’t deny/Tonight I wanna up and hide/And get inside”.
  • 403. Breakthrough—Lemonade Mouth (2011). 13,197,213 views. Never mind. This song includes the line “Life is like a string of crappy days”. I take everything back.
  • 404. And The Crowd Goes—Lemonade Mouth (2011). 1,398,303 views.
  • 405. Somebody—Lemonade Mouth (2011). 7,845,629 views.
  • 406. Hit The Lights—Selena Gomez & The Scene (2011). 29,966,475 views. Wait. A studio track by an artist that’s not associated with that artist’s show? Is there hope??? I’ve never associated Selena Gomez with hope before in my life. I don’t know how this works.
  • 407. Love You Like A Love Song—Selena Gomez & The Scene (2011). 46,973,520 views. Wait, this isn’t even the main mirror of this video, and it has 46 million views. This seems like borderline copyright infringement. I’ve written extensively about this song elsewhere, but it annoys me to no end, mostly because Gomez spends most of the chorus pronouncing it “beh-bee” as if she is actually the robot on the screen in this video. She clearly isn’t incapable, since the last instance of it in each chorus is pronounced normally. (And don’t get me started on what “loving somebody like a love song” might actually mean.)
  • 408. Magic—Selena Gomez & The Scene (2009). 48,588,637 views. Wait, there are 90-second clips of Selena Gomez songs on this channel? This is definitely a copyright problem of some sort.
  • 409. Naturally—Selena Gomez & The Scene (2010). 4,587,877 views.
  • 410. Round And Round—Selena Gomez & The Scene (2010). 3,276,270 views.
  • 411. Falling Down—Selena Gomez & The Scene (2009). 2,290,040 views.
  • 412. Starstruck—Sterling Knight (2010). 1,898,310 views. Starstruck is apparently from the Disney Channel Original Movie “Starstruck”. This is the only information that DisneyChannelUK thought to provide in the description.
  • 413. Something About The Sunshine—Anna Margaret (2010). 529,935 views. the names and the lyrics change, but everything stays the same
  • 414. Me, Myself, And Time—Demi Lovato (2010). 2,668,480 views. Wait so Bridgit Mendler’s character is Teddy, and she has a sister named Charlie. Demi Lovato’s character is named Sonny. Bella Thorne and Zendaya are CeCe and Rocky. I have no idea what this trend means, but it seems statistically significant.
  • 415. Gonna Get This—Hannah Montana (2010). 10,355,809 views. Oh, this is where we are now.
  • 416. Ordinary Girl—Hannah Montana (2010). 2,842,836 views. Just an ordinary girl, mini skirt with my J’s on…wait no, wrong song. Also, the blonde kid haunting my dreams from Austin and Ally and Teen Beach (both 1 and 2) is definitely in this 2010 video (1:40), which just goes to prove that Disney has been plotting to take over the world for years and years now.
  • 417. Que Sera—Hannah Montana (2010). 1,264,886 views.
  • 418. I’m Still Good—Hannah Montana (2010). 2,421,616 views.
  • 419. Supergirl—Hannah Montana (2009). 9,845,668 views.
  • 420. Let’s Chill (Ice Cream Freeze)—Hannah Montana (2009). 3,307,110 views. Oh, good, the Ice Cream Freeze is a dance. If it were trying to refer to an actual food item, that would be nonsensical. Some of these other moves in retrospect, though…the “Cell Phone Slide, left to right”? I guess a slide is not a swipe.
  • 421. Pumpin’ Up The Party—Hannah Montana (2010). 1,190,657 views. “The music’s gonna start a revolution”—can somebody tell Hannah Montana that Footloose already happened?
  • 422. It’s All Right Here—Hannah Montana (2009). 748,714 views. Some people have a little bit of a hard time letting go of the past and also separating fact from fiction. newmiley
  • 423. Let’s Do This—Hannah Montana (2009). 1,187,984 views.
  • 424. Life’s What You Make It—Hannah Montana (2007). 1,769,013 views. On the upside, the live drummer for Miley appears to be a woman of color, which is way too unusual if I’m noticing it right now, after 225 straight Disney videos. My brain should be pure mush, and it most likely is, and this STILL stood out to me.
  • 425. Nobody’s Perfect—Hannah Montana (2007). 1,068,853 views. I definitely learned this alternative choreography over seven years ago and still have most of it. I’m definitely not doing it right now. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
  • 426. See You Again—Miley Cyrus (2007). 417,499 views. INFERIOR “SEE YOU AGAIN”; BRING BACK ANDY SAMBERG
  • 427. GNO—Miley Cyrus & The Muppets (2007). 216,405 views. So videos 425-433 are part of a “Top 10 Party Music Videos” countdown that it appears DisneyChannelUK put together in 2010. So keep this in mind if you’re going to host a party soon. I might show up, but if I don’t hear any of these songs within the first five minutes, I’ll know exactly how boring you are and leave immediately. (I don’t know why only nine made it into this list, but I have no intention of hearing the tenth, because it is clearly not as good as any of these.)
  • 428. We Rock—Camp Rock (2010). 1,119,624 views.
  • 429. Play My Music—Jonas Brothers (2010). 370,160 views.
  • 430. Start The Party—Camp Rock (2010). 247,382 views. Also, at your party, you better have a button substantially similar to this so that we can know when the party starts: startOtherwise, it’ll just be too difficult for your guests to know.
  • 431. One Hit Wonder—Phineas & Ferb (2010). 5,854,752 views.
  • 432. High School Musical 2 Megamix—High School Musical 2 (2010). 2,080,193 views. When I entered grad school, I bought a new laptop. For some reason, I decided to cover the Apple logo with a Zac Efron High School Musical 2 sticker. An unfortunate side effect of this was that the Apple logo would shine through the sticker, so when the lights were dim, it would appear that Zac Efron’s illuminated, smiling face was staring into your soul. I’m only writing this story so that I don’t have to listen too closely to all of this terrible music.
  • 433. One World—Cheetah Girls (2010). 3,195,962 views.
  • 434. We Got The Beat—Radio Rebel (2012). 2,578,534 views.
  • 435. What I Said (Rap Battle Edition)—Let It Shine (2012). 3,342,044 views. Oh hello. Let It Shine is a Black-focused retelling of Cyrano de Bergerac. “The film follows a shy, talented rapper and musician who pens romantic hip-hop verses only to stand idly by as they’re delivered to the girl of his dreams by a proxy, his best friend.” I’m pretty sure that this video’s choreography was used in Teen Beach 2 as well, though, so the apple doesn’t fall TOO far from the tree. Still, this is what took me from super-white ’90s music to super-white ’10s music, so maybe this is what can take me from super-white Disney Channel music to super-white literally anything else music.
  • 436. Don’t Run Away (Rap Battle Edition)—Let It Shine (2012). 2,464,635 views. We’re still here: “Thanks for watching! Now click left or right for more great shows or subscribe to keep up to date with the latest Disney Channel Youtube clips!”
  • 437. Moment Of Truth—Let It Shine (2012). 2,015,548 views. is it time for me to link Mom’s Spaghetti again? no? it’s never time?
  • 438. Guardian Angel (Rap Battle Edition)—Let It Shine (2012). 1,293,200 views. At this point, I’m trying to think of literally anything that I could do to tip the scales in favor of leaving DisneyChannelUK. When I’m not advancing the playlist, I am at this point trying to play as many mainstream pop, DisneyMusicVEVO, and similar songs to try to influence the algorithm to jump out of its pattern (which I realize is what happened when the Adele progression looped a second time). It is almost certain to not work, but in the words of Sabrina Carpenter, you can’t blame a girl for trying.
  • 439. Me And You (Rap Battle Edition)—Let It Shine (2012). 3,473,716 views.
  • 440. Don’t Run Away—Let It Shine (2012). 2,511,456 views. Uh, what is the difference between the Rap Battle Edition of this song and the normal one? I know the performers are different, but the writing and production appears to be otherwise identical. Is the only difference just that one is sung in a club?
  • 441. Moment Of Truth (Movie Version)—Let It Shine (2012). 20,699,967 views. Wait. Wait, have I done it? HAVE I DONE IT???? I HAVE DONE IT. This video is by a non-Disney channel uploader. I AM FREE.
  • 442. Guardian Angel—Coco Jones/Tyler Williams (Let It Shine) (2012). 13,081,973 views. Well. This video belongs to DisneyMusicVEVO, so I’m not out of the woods yet. In the words of Miley Cyrus, “Keep on movin’, keep on climbin’/Keep the faith baby, it’s all about the climb.”
  • 443. Rise—McClain Sisters (2012). 16,683,271 views. I’ll let this comment do the talking: monkeysI wonder how they’d feel if they knew that China Park’s is in a band…
  • 444. Great Divide—McClain Sisters (2012). 10,647,368 views. This is not the fakest snow I’ve seen, but it’s REALLY close. divide
  • 445. Dynamite—China Anne McClain (2011). 48,101,356 views.
  • 446. Calling All The Monsters—China Anne McClain (2011). 24,974,209 views. Just realized that the two older McClain sisters end up letting their younger sister, who is something like 13 at the time this video is filmed, go up to and then into a strange house by herself. Seems quite realistic.
  • 447. Watch Me—Shake It Up (2011). 113,818,359 views. The odd thing is that within the show, Bella tends to get the more club-oriented music, enough that even after only watching a dozen Shake It Up videos, this kind of music seems much more her character than Zendaya’s. However, the “debut singles” that each of them had was a major shift away from this characterization, with Zendaya’s single something at home in a club and Bella bringing the saccharine breathiness. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Zendaya might just be a better singer. Or maybe I’m reading too much into a small sample of videos. Also, remember when I used the term “only” for a dozen videos for a Disney Channel show? My world has been altered forever.
  • 448. Replay—Zendaya (second appearance). oh no. oh no no no I know where this is going i swear to god if this is where we’re going
  • 449. Call It Whatever—Bella Thorne (second appearance). this is completely unacceptable and I am straight up not okay with this
  • 450. Shower—Becky G (2014). 207,330,467 views. wait, what
  • 451. Can’t Stop Dancin’—Becky G (2014). 80,568,910 views. we broke the chain? I’m afraid to look
  • 452. Lovin’ So Hard—Becky G (2015). 38,137,780 views. Well, it’s not great music, anyway, but it’s something different. I’m still not convinced that we’re not going to fall straight back into Disney music.
  • 453. Break A Sweat—Becky G (2015). 11,790,294 views.
  • 454. Focus—Ariana Grande (2015). 277,871,685 views. Serious question, how did they shrink those boxes Drake was dancing in for this video?
  • 455. Sorry—Justin Bieber (second appearance). I think I can officially say that I’ve made it all the way back. I guess it’s probably a pipe dream to try to get to Gangnam Style from here, so maybe I should just get to 500 and then call it a day.
  • 456. What Do You Mean?—Justin Bieber (second appearance). Here are all of Justin Bieber’s interpolations at the end of the song. I still don’t understand how his communication method of choice is a fake kidnapping:
    • This is ours, baby
    • You’re so confusing, baby
    • Be more straightforward
    • Give it back
    • What does he want given back to him? The kidnapping? Maybe for him, that would be more straightforward. Boys are confusing.
  • 457. Where Are Ü Now—Skrillex & Diplo ft. Justin Bieber (second appearance).
  • 458. Hotline Bling—Drake (second appearance).
  • 459. The Hills—The Weeknd (second appearance).
  • 460. Can’t Feel My Face—The Weeknd (second appearance).
  • 461. Cheerleader—OMI (Felix Jaehn Remix) (2014). 337,829,918 views.
  • 462. Hello—Adele (fifth appearance). Hello, Adele, my old friend. I’ve come to listen to 13 of your songs in a row again.
  • 463. Someone Like You—Adele (fifth appearance).
  • 464. Rolling In The Deep—Adele (fifth appearance).
  • 465. Set Fire To The Rain (Live at the Royal Albert)—Adele (fifth appearance).
  • 466. Skyfall—Adele (fourth appearance). 
  • 467. Diamonds—Rihanna (fourth appearance). Or…not? What just happened?
  • 468. Chandelier—Sia (fourth appearance).
  • 469. Elastic Heart—Sia (fourth appearance).
  • 470. Love Me Like You Do—Ellie Goulding (fourth appearance).
  • 471. Sugar—Maroon 5 (third appearance).
  • 472. Uptown Funk—Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars (third appearance).
  • 473. All About That Bass—Meghan Trainor (second appearance).
  • 474. Rude—Magic! (2013). 777,470,073 views.
  • 475. See You Again—Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth (fourth appearance).
    There’s the Andy Samberg I know and love. It’s been a long time without you, my friend.
  • 476. Watch Me—Silento (second appearance).
  • 477. Lean On—Major Lazer & DJ Snake ft. Mø (third appearance).
  • 478. Hey Mama—David Guetta ft. Nicki Minaj, Bebe Rexha, Afrojack (2015). 557,489,770 views.
  • 479. Worth It—Fifth Harmony ft. Kid Ink (2015). 553,957,529 views. Okay, how many other unambiguously racially integrated pop groups can you name? Okay, what if I say that groups where all the minorities are named “scary” don’t count?
  • 480. Bang Bang—Jessie J, Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj (2014). 564,769,888 views. This is just the straight version of Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go, right? Can we all agree? At least if we’re talking about eighth notes (but also maybe performers)? Also, the variety of faces on this cover seems pretty accurate.jessie_j_-_bang_bang_28featuring_ariana_grande_26_nicki_minaj29_cover_art Nicki knows exactly what kind of shit she is not taking, and that is every kind.
  • 481. Bad Blood—Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar (2015). 696,971,082 views. Wow, we’re two-for-two for Taylor Swift songs that don’t talk about tall men or red lips. And really, for a couple minutes, all of the celebrity cameos do distract you from the fact that the songwriting is just kind of boring.
  • 482. Blank Space—Taylor Swift (second appearance). Oh wait we’re here.
  • 483. Shake It Off—Taylor Swift (second appearance). And last time we were here…
  • 484. Roar—Katy Perry (second appearance). oh no it’s happening even faster
  • 485. Dark Horse—Katy Perry ft. Juicy-J (second appearance). i swear to god this better not
  • 486. This Is How We Do—Katy Perry (second appearance). it’s fine, maybe it won’t go to Demi Lovato and will instead play Firework or something
  • 487. Birthday—Katy Perry (second appearance). even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
  • 488. California Gurls—Katy Perry ft. Snoop Dogg (second appearance). ugh it’s going to happen again isn’t it
  • 489. Wide Awake—Katy Perry (second appearance).
  • 490. Hot N Cold—Katy Perry (second appearance).
  • 491. Part Of Me—Katy Perry (second appearance).
  • 492. The One That Got Away—Katy Perry (second appearance).
  • 493. Unconditionally—Katy Perry (second appearance).
  • 494. Let It Go—Demi Lovato (second appearance). nope this is just happening again
  • 495. Made In The USA—Demi Lovato (second appearance).
  • 496. Ready Or Not—Bridgit Mendler (second appearance). I can definitely say that I am NOT ready
  • 497. Hurricane—Bridgit Mendler (second appearance).
  • 498. Replay—Zendaya (third appearance). if I put this song on replay it will stop me from having to listen to Teen Beach 2 sing-alongs again
  • 499. Call It Whatever—Bella Thorne (third appearance).
  • 500. Can’t Blame A Girl For Trying—Sabrina Carpenter (second appearance). Oh hey look that was fast. Can’t believe we’re already at 500 songs already! Let’s, uh, just cut it off here, for no other reason. Thanks for reading, everybody!

But because I’m morbidly curious as to whether DisneyChannelUK would reel me in again, I did keep going:

  • 501. The Middle Of Starting Over—Sabrina Carpenter (second appearance).
  • 502. We’ll Be The Stars—Sabrina Carpenter (second appearance).
  • 503. Eyes Wide Open—Sabrina Carpenter (second appearance).
  • 504. If Only—Dove Cameron (Descendants) (second appearance).
  • 505. Rotten To The Core—Descendants (second appearance).
  • 506. Did I Mention—Mitchell Hope (Descendants) (second appearance).
  • 507. Be Our Guest—Descendants (second appearance).
  • 508. Set It Off—Descendants (second appearance).
  • 509. Rotten To The Core—Sofia Carson (2015). 49,009,311 views. Oh, this is different. Where are we going?
  • 510. Better In Stereo—Dove Cameron (2013). 41,290,889 views. Starting to have doubts about going forward with this…
  • 511. What A Girl Is—Dove Cameron, Christina Grimmie, Baby Kaely (2015). 13,342,546 views.
  • 512. Froyo Yolo—Liv and Maddie (2014). 15,875,676 views. The full-length version of this video is the one Disney Channel video of the 200+ that I’ve seen here that’s actually almost worth watching. The animatronic frozen yogurt blob with a mouth and the Disney-level lyrics actually applied to such an inane subject matter create something truly special. Ish. froyo*shudders*
  • 513. Count Me In—Liv and Maddie (2014). 5,758,798 views.
  • 514. You, Me, And The Beat—Liv and Maddie (2015). 905,142 views. The only good thing I can say about this sequence of videos is that they’ve all been from different channels.
  • 515. As Long As I Have You—Dove Cameron (2015). 432,250 views. Well, not anymore.
  • 516. Say Hey—Dove Cameron (Liv and Maddie) (2015). 597,973 views.
  • 517. True Love—Dove Cameron (2015). 1,487,374 views.
  • 518. Written In The Stars—The Girl and the Dreamcatcher (2015). 3,692,675 views. So this is…two Disney Channel stars who are dating each other writing original music? Nothing could possibly go wrong! Also, even if Dove Cameron goes on to be a successful actor or singer, the only association I will ever have with her is “Sweet and yummy froyo’s all I eat/’Cause you only live once”.
  • 519. I Know What You Did Last Summer—Shawn Mendes/Camila Cabello (2015). 24,537,216 views.
  • 520. Stitches—Shawn Mendes (2015). 153,697,607 views.
  • 521. Perfect—One Direction (2015). 115,615,778 views. Presented without comment: likedNOT SO PERFECT NOW, HUH? As for me, though…
  • 522. Drag Me Down—One Direction (2015). 286,282,982 views. I have never been so happy to see One Direction in my life, and I’m pretty sure such a reaction will never occur again.
  • 523. Sorry—Justin Bieber (third appearance). If you’re still reading this, I really, truly am sorry. On the upside, I’m the only one of us that’ll have to deal with this for the next three years:recommendedforyou.png

Click here to read my distilled conclusions about how the autoplay actually functions.

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One thought on “Don’t Cry For Me Next Door Neighbor: A Youtube Autoplay Liveblog

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